The Animorphs' Mathlesson
by Blue Dragon
Summary: In this very strange, very silly little attempt of a short story, a teacher is trying to teach the Animorphs basic maths. Huge emphasis on TRYING...


Animorphs' Mathlesson  
  
  
  
  
  
One moment, Tobias said. What do you mean, one mouse plus one is two? Put two mice together and you've got hundreds. Plus a full belly. Yummy.  
  
The teacher rolled her eyes. "How am I going to make you get this?!"  
  
How about explaining in easier terms? Tobias suggested.  
  
"Like, what?" Marco said. "One hawk plus one hawk equals…"  
  
There you go again! Tobias exclaimed. Two hawks would either mean one hawk less or a bunch more. Law of nature. Right, Cassie?  
  
"Right," Cassie confirmed.  
  
"See it this way," the teacher instructed the group. "Hold up your hands. That's one plus one. How many hands do you have?"  
  
Zero, Tobias said. Do wings count?  
  
"Are we supposed to count fingers as well?" Cassie wondered. "Because Ax has too many of them…"  
  
"Okay, I give up," the teacher said. "Aximili? You know what one plus one is, right?"  
  
Yes. But when are we going to start arithmetically weirdinous metacalystiphoric equations? Ax wondered.  
  
The teacher blinked in confusion.  
  
"Marco?" she said instead. "Think this way. You've got one Hork-Bajir-Controller. What do you get if you add another?"  
  
"A whole lot of trouble," Marco muttered.  
  
"What's one plus one?"  
  
"Who cares?"  
  
Jake slapped the back of his friend's head. "Listen to the teacher!" he snapped. "Atten-TION!"  
  
Marco's back went rigid. "One plus one equals the same as zero plus two which is the equality of four minus two or…" suddenly he shuddered, glared at Jake, and said; "This isn't a battlefield, Jake, what are you doing, making me count?"  
  
Teacher! Tobias called. How would you count hands if you were a Taxxon?  
  
Ax wrinkled his forehead. What is the formula for finding the percentage of surviving Yeerks in the pool if you were to heat it up to just above boiling at surface level for exactly 3.1 seconds?  
  
"This isn't biology, Aximili. It's math."  
  
Could you kindly explain the difference, since…  
  
"Shut up, Ax," Jake said.  
  
Yes, Prince Jake.  
  
The teacher went red. "Don't you dare tell any of my pupils to shut up!" she yelled at Jake.  
  
Jake flew out of his seat. "This is my elite troop of warriors! If they don't listen to me you'll have to teach them what six minus five is!"  
  
"One!" Cassie said triumphantly.  
  
"Don't call out, dear."  
  
"Tell that to Visser One," Marco muttered. Then he flew out of his chair, held up his fists and shook them, jumping from side to side and calling; "GET THEM! GET THEM! GET THEM!"  
  
"Sit down," the teacher said.  
  
Marco thumped back in his seat, grinning.  
  
Teacher, Tobias said. What if you were stuck in octopus morph?  
  
"Teacher," Marco said, hand waving frantically above his head. "I know what twenty Hork-Bajir plus Rachel equals."  
  
"What?" the teacher sighed.  
  
"One."  
  
The teacher shook her head. "No. Twenty-one."  
  
"Not when Rachel is finished with them."  
  
"I know what Marco plus silly question equals," Rachel growled. "No Marco."  
  
Marco hid behind his desk, still grinning.   
  
If you were in fly morph? Tobias suggested. Would that mean one plus one is six?  
  
"No, it wouldn't."  
  
Teacher, Ax said. When will we go through dinomethical diagraphs?  
  
"We won't, Ax-man," Marco sneered. "We lowly humans haven't invented those yet."  
  
"Maybe Aximili would care to explain to the class," the teacher said. "AFTER we figured out what one plus one is."  
  
"Let's see…" Jake said, drumming his fingers against the desk. "Cassie plus me equals distracting… Tobias plus Cassie equals infuriating… Tobias and Marco would be fun to see… Rachel and Tobias is cute… Ax and Rachel means no Visser One… Ax plus Cassie means me with a head less… Marco plus Rachel equals disaster…"  
  
"That's enough, Jake!" the teacher snapped.  
  
What about a Yeerk? Tobias said. No hands. Like me.  
  
"I knew there was some similarity," Marco said. "Rachel? Wanna dump Mr Yeerk look-alike and date me instead?"  
  
"Marco? Wanna dump the potato and get a brain?"  
  
"There we have it!" the teacher said. "Potatoes! You should get that one right! One potato plus one potato equals..?"  
  
"Four of us go hungry," Cassie said. "Oh, dear. Are you sure we can't get a few more potatoes?"  
  
I don't eat potatoes, Tobias protested.  
  
"We could ask Ax to split them into pieces with his tail and we'll get six pieces," Jake suggested.  
  
It is difficult to divide asymmetrical objects evenly. Teacher, would you care to explain the equations for…  
  
"This makes me hungry," Marco said. "Any chance we could count Big Macs?"  
  
The teacher sighed. "One Big Mac plus another equals how many?"  
  
How about cinnabons? Ax said and brightened.  
  
"However many we get, we'll have zero," Cassie said and smiled fondly at Ax.  
  
Jake wrinkled his forehead. "Oh. Maybe I'll lose my head quicker than I thought…"  
  
Marco winked. "Yeah, best to keep an eye on those two. Hey, teachie? How many legs would their kids get? An average or all six of them?"  
  
"That would be biology, again," the teacher said, and looked at her watch. "Oh, dear, class is over."  
  
Jake glanced down at his own watch. "Yeah. Morph, everyone. We need to get out of here before the Yeerk snipers show up for their lesson. I heard they're looking for live targets for this one."  
  
The teacher sighed. "Maybe that would teach you to subtract…"  
  
This will, Jake said. He was already falcon, and sat on the windowsill. Six Animorphs in a room minus one… Tobias swooped out minus two… Cassie followed three… Ax four… Rachel five…  
  
Marco didn't swoop out.  
  
FIVE… Jake repeated. He glanced into the room. Marco was busy writing anti-Yeerk slogans on the blackboard while the teacher watched the others leave.  
  
MARCO! Jake roared.  
  
Marco flinched, began morphing, and dove out the window even before he was done. His wings caught air just before he'd have hit the ground.  
  
Marco, get back here! Jake ordered.  
  
Marco returned, head hanging.  
  
You idiot. What were you doing during our spelling lesson? 'Filthy' is spelt with 't' and 'h'. Not just 't'. Well, what are you waiting for? FIX IT IMMEDIATELY!  
  
  
  
  
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Author's Note:  
  
Hahahaha. Isn't it funny? How anyone could come up with something so stupid? *falls off chair, helplessly cuaght in laughter over her own newly discovered braindamage*  
  
Ok. Hm. seriously. If you like it, maybe I'll make another "lesson". 


End file.
